Humana Films – Documentary Filmmaker & Fixer in Peru

I dare to write this article today because during the last few months I have discovered things regarding my female energy that might be useful information for other women as well. 

I remember I used to be one of the most anti female looking girls during a big time of my life. I really hated the idea of looking like a sweety girl, I used to hate to wear dresses and play with dolls. I am not lesbian by the way and I never had this doubt about myself, I actually had many guys in my life but inside me I was facing life like a man. 

Years later, I realised that this perception came because of the life I was living at home. I remember my mom used to come back tired from work and be focused on the attendance of my dad. He used to pay the majority of the expenses at home so according to her ideas, he deserved a treatment like a King. I didn’t know anything about sexism in those days but I simply used to hate the idea that this role could be mine one day. 

By the time, without knowing I was blocking many of my female energies in order to feel strong enough as a man, because this world has been made for men and I wanted to have the same respect. I blocked many of my vulnerabilities of being a woman for this reason, I blocked many of my feelings during my period times. At some point I even hated the fact of having a woman’s body for all the issues it brings to pass the period every month when I already had decided to not have children. 

This was even worse when I started to work as an Architect and I realised that to have the respect of the male workers, I really needed to behave very rudely and manly. I don’t know if I really reached that point because by that time I started to feel uncomfortable doing that and It was no longer that then I became a filmmaker.

Being a woman filmmaker was a second experience where I had to convince myself that I had to be strong enough like a man to reach the respect I wanted. Having only references of mostly male filmmakers made me doubt many times if I was going to be able to reach that. But there I was, convincing myself that I was equally competent as any of them and I will definitely reach it. 

This journey has been incredible from all these years as the way it has been taken and I was able to reach many of the things that I never imagined before, however it was not until recent weeks that I realised that I was missing one part of myself. Because even though I was happy with this strong manly attitude towards life, at the same time I had female dreams and desires deep down that I was only able to express them in a superficial way. 

It was not until a friend of mine invited me to join a ´’Burlesque’ lesson where things started to change. Even though at the beginning I thought it was too girly and soft for my liking, I decided to try it anyway and I think this was the most important step I took here! To be open to life! 

I can’t express enough by words the freedom I felt during the lesson. Being part of a women’s community like this also made me feel in a safe space and that finally I didn’t have this desire to be a strong man anymore but on the contrary, I wanted to be a strong BITCH! I really feel that this word brings the same attitude as I was taking life but within a female position. So there I am now, taking burlesque lessons every Wednesday! 🙂 

Following this incredible experience, I had the opportunity to have a Boudoir photography session that unconsciously I dreamed about for many years. It blew my mind how such an experience was like a hurricane of emotions inside me and all the prejudices I had without realising until that moment.

Apart from the results of the pictures, which were incredible, I think the most important thing from that day was to really see myself in a different way. Having these hours just focused on myself and the beauty of my own body was a feeling that I honestly recommend to any woman to pass one day in life. And no! You don’t have to have the ‘perfect body for it, in fact all the bodies are perfect! This is something always touch my nervs when I see the typical ‘bodies of women’ on magazines. All our bodies are beauty as they are! And it is great when we discover its beauty ourselves!

And finally, It is incredible how our perception of ourselves as women can change if we give space to our female energy and its benefits, not just physically but also it brings a lot of changes mentally and emotionally, being a woman for me is not a sign of weakness anymore and on the contrary a super power tool to explode! 

Thanks for reading me!

Lizeth